A Tribute to Mom...

Ok....I will warn you, this post will be lengthy but I feel its important to me and those who are close to me, if you are you will understand why.

Last year at mothers day I remember finding a very poignant poem relating to mothers and blogging that poem in a very generic fashion. It was a very good poem and hit all the right nails on the head but this year I wanted to do something different and totally personal as a tribute to my mom.

If you don't know my mom passed away in 2003 after battling lung cancer for 4 years. In the 6 months or so preceeding her death, her bed was her place of refuge, where she was most comfortable and where she spent most of her time. It was her wish to remain at home and we as her family moved heaven and earth to have that happen for her.

I wanted this post about Mothers Day,my tribute to her to reflect her as a person, a person I admired most in this world. I wanted to post about my most favourite memory of her before her passing.

You have to understand that in her last months, our relationship deepened to a level I can't even describe, it was just her and I on many afternoons talking and sharing and bonding closer than we had even been.

I asked her one day if she was proud of me, proud of who I had become and proud of my mothering skills etc. You see I was one of those typical brats as a teenager and didn't marry their ideal choice for me or follow the lifestyle that they did. So it was important to me ask her thoughts or if I had made her proud anyway.

She looked at me, her eyes welled up with tears and said "oh, pup (this was her nickname for me, I think its a dutch word but I don't know how to spell it)..you have made me so proud". I knew with the sincerity in her blue eyes that she truly loved me and was proud of the person I had become, even if it wasn't her choice for me.

In the years following that conversation I have thought back to that day so many times, and so many times that has given me the strength to do what I think is right what or what I think she would have done. Now that my own kids have entered that twilight zone of teenagerhood, I wish so much that I could have her here for guidance or advice.

She had an amazing gift of patience and ultimate peace. Whenever we hear the word cancer, it instills fear and that whole 4 years I lived with that fear and I'm sure she did too but she had a way to calm my fears even when it was happening to her. When it became clear that it was not going to be healed, she was so brave and peaceful with what was happening to her. She didn't complain and she accepted what was God's plan for her without question. To me, watching someone go through that and still keep their faith unfaltering is amazing.

I know my world shattered when she died and it has never been the same since. I believe that somewhere she knows how truly special she was me and I hope that anyone who reads this has the opportunity to hug their mom's tomorrow and tell them how special they are to them.

I believe I am who I am because of her love and her confidence in me.